now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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