I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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