Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.