I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
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She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
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My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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