The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
