Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
its liver damage thursday
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