I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm sobbing to NWA
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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