White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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