There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
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I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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