dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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