sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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