While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
