If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
