I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
