I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
