Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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