If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
