Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
