he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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