i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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