you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
