I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
