so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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