You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
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Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
All the doctor said was why
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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