you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
