I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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