did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
