I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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