Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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