WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
