Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
