I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
