I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
