Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
sex in a hospital.. check
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
