I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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