I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
