hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
