Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
