1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My bed smells like the plague
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
