those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
