Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
