thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
