I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
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Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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