I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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