u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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