anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
