you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
