She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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