I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
