I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
