I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
