you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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