I must be too annoying 4 u.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
