You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
