Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
