dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
