you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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