mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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