my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
