You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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