At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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