Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
