She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
