Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
