I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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