I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
