Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
