i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
