PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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