I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
